my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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