I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I think I won the penis lottery.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
