Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
