12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
