I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Randomize
