Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
