dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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