just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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