Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
