i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The police scanner is talking about you again....
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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