Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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