Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i think im in europe. pls send help
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
