Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
