I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
