Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
