don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
