My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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