he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
