I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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