so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
