He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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