Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
