I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
When are your genitals available?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
