Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
