maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize