I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
But theres a keg here and me gusta
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
