I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
