I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
