They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
