Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
