When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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