I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
