Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
