So drunk its hurt
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
