You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
