i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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