I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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