you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We just shotgunned beers for America
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
