my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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