I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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