Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
