i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I can't put those talents on a resume
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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