I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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