I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
well you can't waste a boner
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
