my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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