I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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