I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize