Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
