Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Sex in the backyard? Check.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
