i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Randomize
