in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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