This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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