I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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