I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
