i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
