I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
