And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
i need some magic done to my vagina
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
