Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just google imaged poop.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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