This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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